What a totally unwatchable colossal piece of shit……….

Based on the Mattel action figure and the animated show of the same name, Max Steel is a ‘film’ that manages to fail miraculously in literally every department. This complete fuckup stars this Ben Winchell as Max McGrath and somehow managed to drag Maria Bello and Andy Garcia into it who could not be assed putting effort into something bound to fail. The film comes with phenomenally terrible editing, fucken laughable dialogue, pathetic overly dramatised acting, and a story so disjointed and lazily written you won’t have a sniff of a clue as to what is happening until maybe 20 minutes into the film. In terms of visual effects, there are student projects done on a jack shit budget that look better than the energy effects in here or whatever you call them.

I gotta say though after seeing the trailer a while ago, this movie did surprise me…………. at how amazingly shit it turned out to be. I mean, i had abnormally low expectations for this shit and it still managed to take those expectations and go beyond the level of crap i thought this could achieve. The plot of the film is something so stupidly simple that it is almost impossible to fuck up, but somehow Max Steel succeeds. Whether it is having no idea what is happening early on, nothing being even slightly explained, twists being foreseeable instantly, or a shockingly jarring use of flashback sequences you don’t care about because you know where they are leading, this movie fails to convey simple story points in any logical manner. The beginning of the film is especially atrocious as the way it begins and tries to set things up with shitty editing doesn’t actually make much sense, it’s almost as if there were like a couple scenes missing from the very beginning that would establish the Steel character better. Typically in these films the scenes of the protagonist discovering his powers and exploring them are supposed to be fun and exciting, not choppy, way too fast paced and uninteresting.

And one of the other story fuckups isn’t the way it handles “What” is happening, but the way it handles “Why” anything is happening. Nothing is explained at all for anyone watching this movie. The origin of Steel is unclear, the what, where, and why regarding the Ultralinks aren’t specified. Character motivations and even the origins of Max McGrath’s powers are more ambiguous than anything in the movie meaning who gives a shit about any of these characters. And i think it’s cute that the filmmakers actually thought they could build a franchise off this……… I want to see them try to make a good fucking poster with the money they made off this disaster.

And the dialogue….. fuck me the dialogue in this movie is some of the most cliche, laughable and cringeworthy material ever written for a film. So many conversations especially between Max and his girlfriend…… HOLD ON A SEC…. I gotta talk about his “girlfriend” for a second because for fuck sake if this wasn’t some of the most bullshit writing i’ve ever seen. She almost hits the douchebag (Max) stupidly riding across the road with her truck, then she practically instantly falls in love with him, fixes his bike, goes on a date, gets ditched, is the only person with a car in the whole town, gets ditched again, and again, and after like 48 hours cares for him like he’s the only male in the world. OK, back to the topic at hand, the conversations between the two of them are endlessly painful to sit through with every line being some cliche improvised shit back and forth, i just couldn’t deal. And the performances don’t help, i can’t be assed going into it much but the guy who plays Max, seriously, i don’t know how he got the job or got this far in the industry because he was in another world whilst filming this. I can’t tell whether it was the writing of the character or his performance exactly but it was just shit.

And sure, i have seen individual episodes of the Max Steel Animated Series (2013) and it is the comedic relationship between Max and Steel that really makes the show any bit enjoyable. The wit and sarcasm between the both of them is a key aspect you’d think the show would get slightly right. But nope, Steel was just annoying, i’d have broken the things limbs off after 5 minutes of coming across it. But anyway who gives a shit, everything in this is bad. Well to be fair, not everything is atrocious, i think the actual Max Steel suit (although it looks like something straight out of ‘Tron: Legacy’) doesn’t look too bad, even in the poorly choreographed fight scenes i thought the suits looked pretty good. So to whoever designed the suits, you were the one small redeemable quality about this film.

So in the end this movie can look forward to being on my worst of 2016 list because it deserves nothing more. No-one should subject themselves to having to watch this failed attempt to bring to life an action figure in a superhero film setting. I’ve spent way to much time on this crap so i’m going to forget it and you should too.

0.6/10