You know what? I ought to thank the following pieces of shit, as watching them may have been dreadful but at least i had plenty of fun shitting on them in my reviews. There were many thrilling, exciting, hilarious, and amazing movies that came out in 2016, but where there is good, there is bad…… “really….. really……. bad”. Here is where we celebrate all of the shit that came out in 2016, now although there was a lot to choose from of it i’ve narrowed it down to the “worst of the worst”, the 10 films i’d do almost anything to avoid watching a second time. Some of these showed (a little) promise, whereas others were destined for this list right from when they got green-lit. But before we get to the list, lets go to some of the honourable mentions, or rather DIShonourable mentions of 2016 that fortunately for them just missed out on this list.

So i’ve got a couple of dishonourable mentions here that i will just speed through as they may not have been awful enough to make the list but they’re not good enough to escape this post either. Clicking on any of the titles will link to my full reviews. First is ‘Morgan‘, this was a movie i was actually intrigued about due to the premise but had a stupid predictable plot and was a start to finish borefest. ‘Whiskey Tango Foxtrot‘ would have been better off with a serious hard hitting tone. Tina Fey’s humour missed time after time with the only light shining through being Martin Freeman. ‘Kingsglaive: Final Fantasy XV‘ was brutal to sit through, the animation and large scale brief action sequences were cool but the storytelling was shocking, pacing was a complete mess and the whole thing was like a bunch of cutscenes shockingly thrown together. Fuck it, ‘Suicide Squad‘ can go here too, if anything this movie just makes me mad when i think of it, it’s an explosion of shit, some of that shit is cool but it’s still a giant fucking mess… Single handedly took the DCEU out of my ‘Most Anticipated of 2017‘ list. ‘Warcraft‘ i will also put here as it may not be as low as the others but that shit was on my ‘Most Anticipated of 2016‘ list….. look how far it fell. And a few more dishonourable mentions; ‘Marauders‘, ‘Blair Witch‘, and ‘The BFG‘ get a little mention.

So now that those are out of the way, lets get to the real shit of 2017.

#10 – THE DO-OVER

 

Way back in 2014 Netflix struck a deal with Adam Sandler to produce ‘Netflix Original’ films that would be released exclusively on the platform. Great Fucking Idea…….. Thanks to this deal we got ‘The Ridiculous 6’ in 2015 and following up that atrocity is ‘The Do-Over’, another entirely unfunny comedy with a dumb-ass plot that maybe 1 person in every country would enjoy. Adam Sandler as usual fails to produce more than 3 funny moments over the entire 1 hour 53 minute runtime and i can’t say i was disappointed as that is what you’d expect. David Spade is also just there…. he wasn’t entertaining, wasn’t funny, and just said yes to this film because Sandler is his best mate, which is commendable. It also attempts to do that stupid thing these comedies do which is bring in a larger crime conspiracy with stupid twists in an attempt to make for an exciting 3rd act… and it fails miserably. I managed to see part of this movie well after seeing it the first time and it was even worse, so it makes this list.

Check out the full review for this film HERE.

#9 – ALLEGIANT

Oh The Divergent Series….. one thing you are fantastic at is continuing to disappoint again and again producing sequel after sequel that still manages to be worse than its predecessor. Once Divergent failed to impress anyone but hardcore fans they tried to fix it with Insurgent, but found themselves digging the franchise a deeper grave with every dollar spent on production. This instalment in the franchise was by far the worst of the bunch, finally, after so long being within the walls following the boring as shit faction conflicts i was actually looking forward to seeing what lies outside for the crew of meh characters. And when they get outside they don’t focus on any interesting shit expanding the sci-fi reaches of the series, focusing on new creatures and new dangers that really test the characters. Instead they choose to focus on the exact same boring-ass bullshit that made me want to get out of the city in the first place. And not to mention everyone looks bored as fuck in this movie, just look at the above image, look at the expression on Miles Teller’s face….. he wants to kill himself, i feel sorry for the guy. And they even dragged Jeff Daniels into this mess….. unbelievable.

But thankfully this movie was the nail in the coffin. Production on the next film is at a standstill, unsure of whether it is going to be a straight to DVD film, or whether the main cast will return, or whether it will ever be made. One thing’s for sure; this movie sucks.

Check out my full review for the film HERE.

#8 – JACK REACHER: NEVER GO BACK

Oh Jack Reacher, you were SO CLOSE to getting away with being shit, i missed you during the year and thought, hey, why not check this out while i wait for some 2017 releases, can’t be that bad can it????? Yes it can….. When Tom Cruise himself looks bored as fuck in an action movie you know you’re in for some serious crap. This was just a dull, lifeless, unenjoyable film that wouldn’t even be good to catch on free to air one day due to it being so flat. The plot is terrible, how it introduces all of the elements in the opening act of the film is done so shockingly. And it’s not that it is a very confusing plot, it’s just communicated extremely poorly to where it doesn’t make much sense at all. Even the action sequences were poorly shot and just meh, there was no tension built at all in the film and you’re just watching this group of characters travel across the country on a family vacation. Cobie Smulders wasn’t terrible and you can get 1 redeemable quality from her but the daughter in the film was just annoying. I can’t speak much for her acting talent but she was over pushing every emotion and just pissed me off more than i was already. So yes, this movie sneaks onto this list just in time.

Check out my full review for this film HERE.

#7 – THE BOSS

Fuck this movie. It’s just more cliche, unfunny, run of the mill shit that’s only being pumped out to shove Melissa McCarthy’s shit comedy down our throats. She is the oversaturated female equivalent of Kevin Hart, they do the same shit and make the same dumb ass jokes every film and are maybe funny 10% of the time. Actually, that’s unfair to Kevin Hart, the guy is actually funny sometimes, but Melissa……… nah. Everything about this film was put in via reactionary decisions; We need a romance? Hey get those 2 characters. We need a side plot? Yeh sure, how bout we put in 10 that take up most of the film. It tries to focus on so much crap and fails to be funny in the mean time. Kristen Bell wasn’t bad in the film, i kinda liked her character in some parts, she’s just given some truly terrible material to work with.

Check out my full review for this film HERE. (Guess i was wrong about Ghostbusters…)

#6 – ALICE THROUGH THE LOOKING GLASS

If there was one movie that at the start of the year i could have predicted would be on my ‘Worst Of’ list it would be this piece of shit. And i didn’t give up on it right away, i hoped at the beginning that it would get good, that somehow the gods would put me out of my misery and make Johnny Depp funny again. But nope, come the 30 minute mark i had completely tuned out of this shit and started a mental timer, counting down the seconds until the final credits. Mia Wasikowska is a very talented and promising actress but here she is surrounded by so much dog shit it’s hard to really pick out anything she does well. The story was a complete bore and focuses mainly on characters who were terrible from the beginning, the amazingly unfunny Johnny Depp, a PG Sasha Baron Cohen, an annoying Helena Bonham Carter, and Anne Hathaway who clearly cannot be fucked putting any effort into her role in a doomed film. Tim Burton’s world appearance-wise aint too bad, but it’s just a shit movie in that world.

Check out my full review for this film HERE.

#5 – THE BROTHERS GRIMSBY

I just mentioned in the previous post how terribly unfunny a PG Sasha Baron Cohen is, but fuck at least it’s better than this rated R crap. This was one of the shortest movies i saw this year but it will be remembered as one of the longest and painful experiences i had to sit through. Cohen has completely lost his touch in the humour department, almost every joke felt very forced and was more cringeworthy than at all funny. There were a handful of somewhat funny moments scattered throughout the film but that is literally all this film has to offer. The action elements are blended in well enough to where the transitions aren’t jarring but they’re still not good. Even the other performances in the film, Mark Strong, Isla Fisher, and Rebel Wilson didn’t offer anything good to enjoy, they aren’t terrible but you just don’t care. And this is just the first of Penelope Cruz’s two main roles from 2016 that appear on this list.

Check out my full review for this film HERE.

#4 – ZOOLANDER 2

And this is 2/2 for Penelope Cruz on this list, she clearly has to pick her roles a lot better. I feel sorry for anyone who was waiting for a Zoolander sequel, only to receive this lump of garbage. As i mentioned in my review, to this day, there is not even 1 funny moment to pull out of this film, literally nothing. I would have had a better time sleeping through this stupid, dumb, pointless attempt at a sequel. It’s like a bad parody of a previously successful film, it was so damn hard to sit through, and it was so damn long ago that i don’t want to give this film the privilege of talking about it anymore. Ben Stiller, Owen Wilson, Will Ferrell, all comedy giants at one point in their careers, but none of them show up here. There was literally 1 person in the screening i was at who laughed at every scene, so i’m glad she had a fucking ball because no-one else did.

Check out my full review for this film HERE.

#3 – BEN-HUR

Oh FUCK…… I wish so bad that this was #1 on my list but unfortunately there was actually shit WORSE than this, i know…… i don’t believe it either. But nothing, and i mean NOTHING to release in the last few years managed to piss me off more than this remake of an absolute classic. I don’t think i have ever felt more anger after watching a movie than after i sat through this crap, it made 2 hours feel like 5 with absolute fucking EASE.

What’s that? You think i am going to just rip on this film more than i already have? FUCK NO, i’m not that generous with my time and in all honesty, i can’t break down this film any better than i did in my initial reaction.

So yeh, check out my actual full review for this pile of absolute horse shit RIGHT HERE, and please, enjoy reading it as much as i enjoyed taking a massive dump on it.

#2 – GODS OF EGYPT

Welcome to the bottom of the barrel where we have this masterfully shit monstrosity directed by fuck face Alex Proyas. The gold on gold on gold visual aesthetic will no doubt hurt your brain as you try to focus on what is going on but realise you don’t give a single shit. As i mentioned in my review, this is the general anaesthetic of 2016 movies, sure to put anyone into a deep sleep. I mean, there isn’t even a single performance in here that you can pull out and focus on as being even semi-half-decent. And the whitewashing here is more evident than in any other film in existence, so much so that it completely takes you out of the film.

I’d rather not talk about this film anymore as i will lose my shit. Just check out my review RIGHT HERE where i rip this film a new arsehole and don’t hold back on that shit face Alex Proyas.

#1 – MAX STEEL

But after all the pain and the anger i suffered whilst watching ‘Ben-Hur’ and ‘Gods of Egypt’ there was one film this year that is just so undeniably shit that it has to be the worst of the year without a doubt. Max Steel was to its core a straight up atrocity, it fails on every level, in every department, and makes the list of one of the worst films ever made. The story is so lazily written that nothing at all makes any sense, it is choppily edited from the opening scene and everyone in the film is sleepwalking through it. The main actor Ben Winchell is absolutely atrocious in the film to the point where i don’t believe someone consciously hired this guy on purpose. But hey, even the more experienced performers in Maria Bello and Andy Garcia are also really really bad. The dialogue here is also just laughably terrible, the conversations between all the characters feel so damn forced, like they are reading off off-screen cue cards written by a 10 year old. The characters are not at all likeable and especially the girlfriend character who was the most shockingly awful character in the movie. What i am getting at here and why this movie is the worst of the year is if you look at all of the components that come together to make a movie, no film in 2016 failed in every single department like Max Steel did. But hey, despite it being utter garbage through and through, the actual ‘Max Steel suit’ used in the film didn’t look too bad, it was fine. So to whoever was responsible for the design and building of that suit, i exonerate you from all the bad things in this movie.

Check out my full review for this film HERE.