Holy Fuck! Who needs general anaesthetic when you have pieces of shit like this that’ll put you sleep no problem. This shit-storm is an absolute embarrassment that gets practically nothing even remotely right, from the writing, the acting, the directing, the visual effects, every facet of this movie is dreadful. And not even King Leonidas, Elektra, Black Panther, or Jamie Lannister could to jack shit to provide you with even an ounce of enjoyment. An absolute snooze-fest. Did i go into this film expecting it to be good? Fuck no, but I at least thought the film would actually try and believe in what they were aiming to make. Like fucken newsflash, who knew Egypt was whiter than an episode of Sex and the City. Little tip yeah, if your script sucks total donkey balls, whether you cast a B list middle-eastern actor or fucking Geoffrey Rush you’re gonna get the same result, only the former would be more believable.
Ok so lets stop ripping this shit a new asshole and actually talk a little more in specifics about why this movie sucked ass shall we? The script, and the dialogue in this film was terrible, it’s like they used a ‘cliche dialogue handbook’ to write the entire script. Nothing felt natural, no scene in this film managed to engage me in the film, it all just felt like a bunch of Actors standing around in a green room reading lines off a cue-card. Nothing said was interesting, you couldn’t buy into any relationships or care for any characters because the whole film just felt overly fake. As i mentioned earlier, you have Gerard Butler, Elodie Yung, Nikolaj Coster-W…., Chadwick Boseman, and Geoffrey Rush, and none of them could turn the script into anything barely watchable.
And on top of the shitty script, this thing has more CGI and special effects than the fucking Jungle Book, and it all looks fake as shit. And when you have created a completely CG world and plopped a bunch of humans in it, you need those characters to engage people into the film because otherwise everything is just a huge turnoff. Like seriously, there were times where i couldn’t look at the fucken film because the colour pallet was limited to bright shades of gold through to really fucking bright shades of gold. And i was watching a gold beast, fight another gold beast, in a gold temple, and it was just awful. That leads into the action……… it was shit, not engaging, distractingly fake, and dumb….. lets move on please.
And Alex Proyas, what is this guy doing? He hasn’t done anything in 6 years where his last two films i quite enjoyed, ‘I, Robot’, and ‘Knowing’. And then he comes up with this piece of junk that didn’t feel completely realised at all. No single element of the film worked, so when he put them all together it just culminated into one of the hardest to watch films of the last few years. And then this total fucking low-life douchebag has the nerve to turn around and bag the shit out of reviewers who are calling this film fucking terrible. Labelling reviewers and critics as “diseased vultures” and “deranged idiots” who “fail to understand what the movie is”. Well newsflash shit-face, i know exactly what your movie is, it is right down to its core a rotting carcass packed full of elephant shit that looks like crap, smells like crap, and is something people would use to torture terrorists into giving up information. So fuck you, fuck your film, i’m out. *drops mic*
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So I take it you’re pretty mixed on the movie? haha.
Funny review. You’re right, it doesn’t deserve anything more than that. And not to double up on the self-plugging but I’d also love if you could check out my movie blog at https://cookiesandopinions.wordpress.com/. Only one review (Civil War) but a review of The Witch will be up soon.