Overall 2015 was a pretty good year for movies, we had the good, the bad, and the just downright awful. Here we get to highlight the films that made us laugh and cry for all the wrong reasons. This list is a special one, because for a film to qualify it doesn’t just have to be bad, it has to be so terrible that it hurts to watch. And you may think that there can’t have been 10 films that fit that description and released in one year. But you are wrong, there were around 15 films that i thought deserved to be on this list so some missed out, fortunately for them there were other piles of garbage that smelt worse. Before we get this list going i want to honour some of the films that missed out on a place on this prestigious list. Some of the lucky ones were; Vacation, Seventh Son, Hitman: Agent 47, The Lazarus Effect, Taken 3, and Jupiter Ascending. Ugh, just listing those ones makes me want to throw up, you get an idea now of the quality of films we are talking about. So without further ado, lets do this.
#10. FIFTY SHADES OF GREY
Valentines Day of 2015 was a memorable one, and not for any good reasons. The book that was loved and hated by women all around the world was made into a film that was ultimately hated by everyone apart from a few delirious women here and there who actually managed to find enjoyment out of this lifeless film. When you combine terrible dialogue, terrible characters, a ridiculous plot and some of the most un-sexy sex scenes you are left with this piece of junk that has little to no redeemable qualities. A complete borefest from start to finish where the only slightly bearable scenes were where Dakota Johnson was able to bring some life to a terribly written character. When your two lead characters are a dumb woman who can make no rational life decisions without falling into the arms of a psychopath, and a weird, emotionless, over-controlling freak, you aren’t allowing anyone to relate to them or enjoy watching them. This was a disaster in the eyes of everyone who watched it but a success in the eyes of the studio, it made over $500M on a $40M budget, and as a result will get two sequels that we have to look forward to??
#9. THE TRANSPORTER REFUELLED
Next up is the reboot of a popular action franchise and a desperate attempt to squeeze as much money as possible out of the ‘Transporter’ franchise. When you ditch the main star of the franchise and ditch any of the qualities that made the other films successful you are already fighting an uphill battle. But then when you include a terribly written plot, bland characters, no fun or excitement, and no original concepts or ideas you have yourself a disaster. The plot doesn’t actually make sense for most of the movie, and when you get a grasp of what may be going on it turns into a predictable, sloppily put together film with action thriller cliches at every corner. Ed Skrein tries to put on his best Jason Statham performance and it just does not work at all. He was probably just following orders but he just needs to pick his projects wisely to avoid crap like this, and avoid being on my worst list.
Check out my full review HERE.
#8. THE BOY NEXT DOOR
The Boy Next Door is definitely one of the messiest and most confused films of the last few years. The longer this movie went on, the more i had to question what type of film i was watching. The plot took this film from a Drama/Chick Flick to a failed attempt at a Mystery/Thriller, and when all else failed they just said fuck it and went for a more cliche Slasher/Horror style of film. Not one of these genres did it manage to do even a tiny bit right. The editing was also atrocious, it cuts from day to night to the next night and the next day with no warning or explanation and it takes a couple of minutes just to figure out what is going on. The performances were terrible and at times just straight up laughable, Jennifer Lopez manages to hold it together a little better than the others but really is just there for eye candy to give you something to look at in this hour and a half long mess.
#7. THE LOFT
It hurts to see this film so low on my list of 2015 films because i was really looking forward to this movie. It had a really interesting premise, a talented cast, and was a Western remake of a Belgian film that received very positive reception. This was a mystery thriller that lacked good directing, good acting and any mystery/thriller elements. The film slowly tries to reveal the mystery and the big twist slowly over the course of the film through boring flashbacks and lazy revelations. And when you don’t care about the mystery, the film just becomes boring. The film tries to rely on revelations and multiple twists within the last 20 minutes to shock the audience again and again. But it gets stupider with every twist and progressively more confusing. Twists and revelations are supposed to shed some light on the mystery at hand, but this just makes it even more confusing to the point where you just have to give up. And the performances, OMG, they were laughably terrible, and not just one of them…. ALL OF THEM were just awful to watch. Karl Urban, James Marsden, Wentworth Miller, Eric Stonestreet, all talented actors who come across as D-list actors trying out for their first major roles.
Outcast, seriously, look at that fucking image, hahahaha how the fuck can anyone take this film seriously when you have what looks to be Nicholas Cage’s face photoshopped onto a samurai warrior. And you have Hayden Christensen starring alongside him, hahahahahahahaha, seriously, this looks like it was some meme that the internet threw together, and then a director saw it and decided to turn it into a film. Just thinking about this film, i honestly have no idea how anyone thought this could pass as a serious, samurai film…. seriously, listen to this pitch and tell me how this got made; ‘An adventure film set in an asian kingdom with American actors Hayden Christensen and Nicholas Cage as your lead samurai warriors’. Absolutely ridiculous. Oh man, anyway, this movie is a lazy joke from start to finish, there is nothing new here, it is all dumb cliches and coincidences with random meaningless battles and a plethora of plot holes. Why do people keep hiring Hayden Christensen? The guy can’t act to save himself, he is bland and can’t deliver his lines for shit. The only enjoyment you can get is laughing at the way Nicholas Cage delivers his lines in his trademark crazy over the top manner. The guy is a meme of himself at this point so lets just enjoy it while he’s still active.
#5. PAUL BLART MALL COP 2
Why? Because everyone who saw Paul Blart Mall Cop 6 years ago wanted to see Kevin James return to this amazingly unfunny character, and all of those imaginary people have had their prayers answered. This film was so lazy and unoriginal that it was essentially a complete ripoff of the last film. And just like the last film, the jokes are completely awful, it’s like they were written by 5 year year olds to entertain their 4 year old friends. Nothing at all was good about this movie, Kevin James at this point should just give up. When was the last time he was even slightly funny? The guy is just a parody of himself at this point and has to stop. The two times i smirked in this film involved Kevin James being smashed into the side of cars. It tries to shove some emotional crap down your throat in the last 5 minutes but you don’t give a shit, you just want this nightmare to be over. I hope this is the last time i have to watch Kevin James ride a Segway.
#4. HOT PURSUIT
It honestly hurts my brain to think about this movie anymore so i am literally just going to copy and paste part of my original review here, enjoy.
Putting Witherspoon and Vergara together would be a great idea because you would get to see how these contrasting personalities play off each other to create some great comedy right? Well, no. In theory it sounds like a great idea but the final result turned out to be a completely unfunny and at times downright boring film. The writing was just bad and the performances were absolutely unbearable at times, from Reese Witherspoon’s irritating accent to Sophia Vergara’s annoying vooooiiice that always speaks like thiiiiiiiiiis, this movie could not be over quick enough. And thankfully it was only 1 hour and 20 minutes, any more and i may have just given up. I have nothing against the actresses, in fact i really enjoy both of their stuff, whether it be Witherspoon in last year’s ‘Wild’ or Vergara in ‘Modern Family’ i have seen they can put out good performances. But in this film they were just so awful that it leads me to believe that they actually acted the way that they were supposed to and it was the directors fault, either way, their chemistry was non existent and the back and forth jokes you thought you might see were either not their or not funny.
Check out the rest of the review HERE.
#3. KNOCK KNOCK
Ah, the top 3, the worst of the worst, the ones that are so bad you just want to close your eyes and end it all, but you can’t, because to review these films you have to watch every single minute, no matter how painful.
Knock Knock was a completely terrible pile of horse shit. I am going to try my very best to explain how terrible this movie is but i cannot do it justice. Seriously, if you want the best idea of how bad this movie is just check out my full review i did of the film HERE, the only way you can get my true thoughts of the film are from the me who just witnessed this abomination. I could not believe i wasted my time watching this thing. It was supposed to be a film with Eli Roth’s trademark Horror/Thriller elements and some Erotic Torture here and there but it fucked it all up and had none of that. It was cheesy, dumb, stupid and boring, especially in the first half of the film. The thing that pissed me off the most was the fact that it was sitting along the line of being somewhat serious and kinda satirical, and it couldn’t make up its fucking mind. Dreadfully written, dreadfully acted (seriously Keanu, why did you say yes to this), and it had only one scene that i was able to get a kick out of, and that one thing was hilarious. But the rest of the film is so bad that it made no real difference.
If you didn’t check out the original review here’s another link: KNOCK KNOCK REVIEW
The initial premise of this film i honestly didn’t mind. I don’t remember what it was but i remember looking forward to the trailer because of that and the cast; Johnny Depp, Gwenyth Paltrow, and Paul Bettany. But man, this movie did everything completely wrong from start to finish. Not funny at all, incredibly boring, and failed to entertain me in any way, shape or form. Not a single fucking joke worked, not even one, nothing, nata, zilch, for a comedy to fail to make me even smirk is an achievement that must be commemorated. Johnny Depp does such an incredibly awful job at playing this painfully stupid over the top character that if he didn’t kill it in Black Mass i’d say his career would have been down the toilet. He isn’t funny anymore, especially in these dumb comedic roles, he has to stop and take better roles, he is above all of this garbage. The entire film is a painful waste of time. The plot is literally incomprehensible and i finished this film having absolutely no idea what the fuck happened at all. I had no idea what the films purpose was whatsoever. Shit plot, shit directing, shit characters, shit performances, no humour. The only joy i felt was when the credits began to roll because i knew my suffering was finally over.
#1. THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE 3 – FINAL SEQUENCE
Here we are at number one, and here we go. There are no words in the english language that can accurately describe how utterly terrible, awful, and just downright dumb this ‘movie’ was. May i first ask who wanted this movie to be made? What? No-one? ok, THEN WHY DAFUQ DID TOM SIX DECIDE TO MAKE THIS PEICE OF GARBAGE??? There is no way, any sane human being would believe that this was in any way imaginable a good idea. It has some of the worst acting i have ever seen in my entire life from every single person in this film, and will someone tell Dieter Laser to STOP FUCKING SHOUTING EVERY DAMN SENTENCE LIKE WE ARE 100km AWAY, FUCKING HELL. And on top of the god-awful acting it comes accompanied by the worst scripts in history, and a plot that made absolutely no sense whatsoever, in fact, there was no plot for 90% of this thing. This is ‘The Human Centipede’ right? SO WHERE THE FUCK WAS THE CENTIPEDE FOR THE FIRST HOUR AND 20 MINUTES??? I honestly do not know which was more difficult to sit through, the surgery (or lack thereof) or the piece of garbage that was the culmination of bad acting, writing, directing and everything else. There were a few times where the film showed signs of trying to be satirical and even self aware but it was so ridiculously dumb that by that point you just want to gouge your eyes out. If i believed in giving films a 0/10 this is one that would definitely qualify, but it is a film no matter how much of a fuck up it is, so that is why it got a 0.3/10, and is hands down, the worst film of the year and the worst film i have ever seen.
Finally, that is my list for the top 10 worst films of 2015. I’m just glad i don’t have to talk or write about any of these pieces of shit and i now just have to dread the stink piles that 2016 produces. My list of the Top 10 BEST films of 2015 should be coming soon so stay tuned for that, but in the mean time what is your top 10 worst films of 2015, or if you don’t have 10 what is the one from last year that you will never watch ever again???