I think no-one can deny the fact that this was the most hotly anticipated sequel of 2017, ‘Fifty Shades Darker’ follows the events of Fifty Shades of Grey where…… who gives a shit? Nothing here is anything more than what you expect it to be, you have your lifeless, dull characters, stupidly horrible dialogue, poor directing all bundled together in this cluster of hilariously laughable shit. I swear this film has to secretly be a comedy or a satire, i don’t think a soul in the world can watch this thing and actually take it seriously. And what is the plot you may ask????? There isn’t one. It’s 2 hours of subplots that start from nothing and go no-where rendering this whole movie nothing more than maybe 10 minutes of soft-core porn spaced out with various boring ass scenes written by a bored as shit housewife. It tries to actually add some moments of tension, and mystery, and drama, and intrigue, but it’s just so ridiculous.

Firstly, the dialogue in this movie is SO bad, it is undoubtedly some of the worst content i have ever heard. Every conversation is so stale and corny to the point where potentially ‘serious’ conversations are actually funny. Not even kidding, i laughed more in this movie than most comedies that came out last year. It is hysterical that not one person during production didn’t turn around and say “yeh, this line sounds stupid, we should change it”. Instead, everyone just went with it and the end result is….. something, it’s definitely something. But it isn’t just the dialogue, every character in this movie is so flat, dry, and overwhelmingly uninteresting. The writing of everyone, especially Christian Grey is so thin you can barely call them characters, they’re all walking shells lacking personality and all the basic qualities that make up a person. Anastasia Steele i could go on and on about how the way her character is (to put it simply) infuriatingly backwards but i’ll save you the reading and just say she’s pathetic.

And i’ve got nothing against the performances of Jamie Dornan and Dakota Johnson, i mean, you can tell they’re both basically just mailing it in and i don’t blame them, at this point they should just take the paycheck, get through it, and get out. Some of the other side performances though are really bad. And just to be clear, the writing doesn’t do them any favours, so keep that in mind. Kim Basinger also stars in this film and i know what you’re asking; Who does she play? Well, if i knew who her character was and what her role was in the film i’d tell you, but i watched the entire movie and i still have no fucking idea. Her name is Elena, and she was annoying as shit but i have no idea how she fit in to this story whatsoever……. writing everyone, this is how you do it……

And the plot as i mentioned earlier, it’s non-existent, there is no followthrough of any storyline from start to finish that extends beyond Anastasia and Christian’s back and forth love scenes. There are so many small insignificant side plots injected throughout this film that you cannot keep up with any of them and all of them are stupid and literally insignificant. Nothing has any payoff, shit happens out of nowhere, it’s a big deal for 5 minutes, and then it is either slightly resolved or just forgotten. I mean, in like the final act of the film there is a helicopter crash mystery that comes out of nowhere, literally it just happens with no context. And you think ok, this pointless side plot is going to ride the film out to its finale, but in 3 minutes it’s resolved, it’s hilarious and everyone forgets about it……. it’s just so frustratingly stupid.

But in the end, for everything this film did so pathetically bad it offered many hilarious moments that are the only redeemable qualities about the film. And as you may have gathered, it isn’t intentional comedy. Whether it is the laughable dialogue, the hilarious scenes and character interactions (that editor meeting, the elevator, the lipstick scene, her fucking boss WTF?), the spontaneous ‘Chronicles of Riddick’ poster appearance, or the sex timed to the music, this movie could be plenty of fun as a late night comedy.

1.2/10