2017 gave us plenty of really good, thoroughly enjoyable movies, but it also didn’t fail to give us plenty of fart-boxes we wish we never had to see. If you had to sit through any of these movies…. I share your pain…. if you managed to avoid these movies I applaud your efforts. This list would actually make a fucking great try not to sleep challenge…. I’ve absolutely already failed. I actually didn’t see as many of the notoriously shit movies this time around as when it came to watching most of them I guess I just had much better things to do… and I don’t regret it one bit. But I still managed to find enough shit-storms to fill a top 10 list and some honourable mentions, so here we go. Now watch as I tumble into insanity as the list goes on.
These are the films that were luckily not shit enough to make the official list, but too shit to let them go without a mention at the very least. Geostorm is 2017’s disaster of a disaster movie with a shockingly loaded plot, terrible casting, and almost nothing going for it apart from the visuals and some action. Rings is another failed attempt at making the Ring franchise work again and there is not even a slightly scary moment in sight. With the amount of Stephen King adaptations that released in 2017 I’m not surprised one gets mentioned here, unfortunately it is The Dark Tower. Idris Elba’s The Gunslinger is the only good thing about it and can’t save the abomination it is. Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales is not only the most annoyingly long title of the year but it proves this franchise should just die. It’s not fun and terribly written and is extremely lucky to not have a numbered position here.
#10 – Ghost in the Shell
Ghost in the Shell may be the most visually impressive borefest I’ve ever seen, now take that compliment and leave. The majority of its massive budget clearly went into the visuals and it pays off, but that clearly left jack shit for anything else and the result is disastrous. I can’t remember half a detail from this plot that was just all over the place and confused me to the point where I just checked out half way through. The story failed to really grab me in terms of the mysteries at hand and I was unable to root for any character including Scarlett Johansson’s Major who was the most fleshed out but still barely so. But this isn’t even the worst movie to come out this year by a mile.
Check out my review for Ghost in the Shell here.
#9 – Resident Evil: The Final Chapter
In the words of Frodo and Samwise “It’s done…..” “It’s over now”, talk about a shitty franchise that went on for way too fucking long. The only one happy about the franchise continuing over the years would be Milla Jovovich because without these films she has no ground to stand on in Hollywood. But now it’s done and I can tell you that the only exciting thing that happened in this entire ‘originally titled’ movie is when the credits began to roll. Look, this sequel doesn’t change the game in any way, so if you enjoyed the other shitty Resident Evil films you’ll enjoy this one because all of the same elements transfer over and there’s nothing new. The narrative is fucking shocking and I had no idea what was happening, even with the opening exposition sequence. The dialogue is lazily written and the editing of the action sequences is fucking atrocious. The best part about the movie aside from the moment the credits begin to roll is whenever ‘Super Slick Serious Sunglasses Man’ shows up I can’t help but laugh because of how ridiculous he looks (see below). I lost it when I bought up this image and was reminded of his look…. so hilariously stupid.
Check out my review for Resident Evil: The Final Chapter here.
#8 – Leatherface
Talk about putting the nail in the coffin; time and time again directors have tried to recreate the masterpiece that was the original The Texas Chainsaw Massacre with reboots, sequels, and prequels with little to no success. The 2003 reboot and the 2013 sequel actually are pretty enjoyable but this attempt at a prequel is such a departure from the style of the Texas Chainsaw franchise it didn’t even need to be a part of it. The opening scene is the only interesting sequence of the entire film and if that family dynamic had been the focus of the entire film I’d have enjoyed it. But no, we have to follow a group of psychopathic inmates featuring the brute, the morally ambiguous guy, the kidnapped!?!? nurse, The Joker and Harley Quinn…… and it’s fucking BORING. It’s just a shitty, lifeless cat and mouse game featuring characters you hardly give a shit about and not a good performance in sight. The only hope this movie had in the acting realm was with the more experienced Stephen Dorff and Lili Taylor who are good but amongst all the shit around them isn’t saying a whole lot. No horror and no tension, the only two essential elements this movie needed…… and no blood does not count.
Check out my review for Leatherface here.
#7 – The Space Between Us
Holy fuck, I actually completely forgot about this stupid ass movie before having to make this list, it’s an absolute fucking atrocity from beginning to end. The movie starts and you’re waiting for the plot to kick off and have this romantic adventure sweep you off your feet but that never happens. The plot is filled with stupidity from lazily written coincidences, to horribly dumb character decisions and there is no life or personality to this movie at all. And it has a talented cast with Asa Butterfield, Carla Gugino, Gary Oldman, and Britt Robertson all involved but there isn’t a moment between them where their talent is allowed to shine. Butterfield is so damn flat the entire movie and maybe shows one sign of emotion in total. I cared about no-one and when you have a romance as the driving force in your narrative, that’s a bit of an issue. Like many on this list this movie won’t fail to put you to sleep, so forget sleeping tablets all you need is this.
Check out my review for The Space Between Us here.
#6 – Flatliners
I saw Flatliners late in 2017 and it managed to sneak into this list at the last second and rightfully so because this movie is fucking awful. The concept on its own is brilliant and intriguing in so many ways and leaves the door open to explore a number of cool details regarding the afterlife……. but this movie explores none of that. Instead we follow a group of medical students who don’t have a lick of chemistry between them and barely a likeable bone in their bodies. There is no depth to any one of them, they’re all thinly written stereotypes and never once break out of that. The performances behind the roles are sort of ok, I don’t hold this films bullshit against the actors, they do what they can with what they have and it isn’t much. The movie doesn’t know whether it wants to be a Sci-Fi drama or a supernatural horror so it says fuck it and does both, giving the former genre to the first half and the latter to the second half. And no fucking shit this approach doesn’t work. And Bruce Willis was dragged into this shit for no reason….. fuck.
Check out my review for Flatliners here.
#5 – Transformers: The Last Knight
It wouldn’t be a complete worst of 2017 list without this Michael Bay Transformers piece of utter trash on here. I initially hoped this movie would be good but deep down I always knew I’d be seeing this bullshit on this list come the end of the year. And look, it’s following a formula that makes money, throw in Mark Wahlberg, a model for eye-candy, and a bunch of incoherent metal balls of shit flying around and you have yourself a money maker. The plot of this one in particular is such fucking bonkers bullshit I didn’t think they could get worse than Age of Shitstinction. They’re going back to Nazi Germany, and Arthurian times for like 5 minutes to explain some more hidden Transformers history and there’s like another two macguffin’s in here or some shit that toasters and kettles are fighting over and who fucking cares. Set the whole movie in Nazi Germany with only Transformers fighting out WWII and that’d be great….. but we can’t have good things can we. The stupid human characters are just as boring and irritating with some annoying young girl floating around somewhere, Wahlberg shooting a Nerf gun at a green screen, and Anthony Hopkins doing nothing other than being the boring exposition deliverer whenever the runtime needs a bit of a boost. Fuck this movie, I’m done.
Check out my review for Transformers: The Last Knight here.
#4 – The Emoji Movie
Have I mentioned the fact that I hate doing this list? No? Well I hate doing this fucking list….. and it’s at around this point in the list where I have to talk about shit like this again that I just want to say fuck it and end it here. FUCK!!!
The Emoji Movie is probably the fucking stupidest film of the year hands down. You take an all-star ensemble cast and throw them in this lazy-ass bullshit movie that I doubt even kids would enjoy. The humour is fucked to where they try to accommodate for a younger and older audience but it doesn’t work in the slightest. Fuck the one or two chuckles I had in the opening minutes, the comedy is written by the combination of a 5 year old and an out of touch 65 year old man whose grandson told him what the kids find funny nowadays, mind you his grandson is that 5 year old. And I get the choice to have the meh emoji as the main character and have T.J Miller voice the role, it’ll allow for a bunch on unique comedic material. But the dryness of the character isn’t funny it’s just a straight up bore in every fucking scene he’s in.
Omg this fucking movie is making me mad again, now I’d move on and end it but all I’m doing is moving on to even worse shit……. there’s no escape now.
Check out my review for The Emoji Movie here.
#3 – Fifty Shades Darker
Oh for fuck sake, back again with this bullshit. Believe it or not, I thought this movie would be better than the first one. I thought it looked like there was going to be some added controversial drama between Anastasia and Christian in this one…. I thought they might actually execute the sexual scenes well…. I thought absolutely fucking wrong because this movie is nothing, just straight up nothing. The dialogue is some of the worst shit my ears have had to endure, Jamie Dornan and Dakota Johnson are just cashing a paycheque, there is no plot that follows through from beginning to end, and where there is no set up for shit there is no payoff for that shit. The characters lack character, there’s no personality and it’s like I’m watching human android prototypes from 2006 trying to communicate in a convincing manner. It’s a writing mess with the only redeeming quality being the laughable nature of some of the moments, one moment being the most WTF laughable moment of 2017. There is the presence of that Chronicles of Riddick poster which is great but the way the helicopter subplot plays out and is resolved is insanely fucking ridiculous and sums up this entire turd in one 3 minute sequence.
I cannot wait to see what flying shit on a stick Fifty Shades Freed brings to close out the franchise.
Check out my review for Fifty Shades Darker here.
#2 – The Snowman
This fucken thing…. this…. fucken…. thing….. I actually wanted to see this piece of shit so you can imagine my surprise when i realise it’s an unintelligible disaster from the minute it begins to the second the credits roll. Try to understand this movie…. I implore you to watch this movie and then afterwards explain to me what the fuck just happened across the whole thing, because I’d put my money on the fact that you won’t be able to. It’s one of the most butchered editing jobs I’ve ever witnessed to the point where shit doesn’t make sense from one scene to the next. Characters move from location to location and I’ve got no idea how or why they are there, there are jarring flashback scenes that I didn’t know were flashback scenes until it was spelled out late in the movie. One tense confrontation near the end of the film is edited so fucking rapidly that I genuinely have no idea what happened in the 2 seconds that consisted of probably like 7 cuts. I did not know what the purpose of this movie was for the longest fucking time as the core plot should be simple enough but with the number of side plots that have no bearing on the main plot it’s a confusing mess.
I mean, there’s an ENTIRE FUCKING SUBPLOT dedicated to finding out whether Oslo gets chosen to host the Winter Olympics………… Yeah, “what the fuck” was my response too. This movie is an abomination, a Frankenstein’s monster of shit.
Check out my review for The Snowman here.
#1 – Dirty Dancing
Fucking finally we’re here…. after all that bullshit above believe it or not there is still one piece of elephant shit movie that came out this year that is worse than them all and I think watching this movie gave me permanent brain damage. I absolutely flipped my mother-fucken shit whilst writing this review and I’m on the edge right now so I will probably do the same here. Fuck, you know what just go read my review for this fuckery right now, just fucken go, I’ll even link the masterpiece RIGHT FUCKEN HERE as well as below. You think that’s enough F-words? Well you didn’t witness the level of cringe this movie had me sit through, so on that fact there aren’t enough variations of the word fuck on this planet to describe this movie.
30 years ago this movie was done and it was done very fucking well, now ABC have managed to absolutely butcher it creating a disastrous vlakia where nothing, absolutely NOTHING works. The characters that are all supposed to be likeable and unique in their personalities are so dry, and lifeless it’s actually pretty remarkable. And the dialogue, holy shit that all belongs on an episode of Sesame Street, actually that show is still too good for this shit. On top of the dialogue even the line delivery from the various performers is wooden and jarring and not natural at all. This movie is literal torture and I want to be done with this forever so I’m not going to talk about this any more unless I’m getting paid for it….. and even then I don’t know if that’s worth it.