Ok guys, how many times are we gonna do this shit? I mean, at this point you can’t go into a Transformers movie without expecting one thing; pure, and utter shit. We are past the point of subtlety here, there is no hoping for anything more than shit because Michael Bay and Paramount have clearly found a formula that makes money and they are going to stick with it. Which begs the question…… why bother hiring a writers room full of experienced writers when everyone is going to just back up Bay’s direction because it is the one that has proven to work. Anyway, this movie stars Mark Wahlberg as Cade Yeager as he leads the fight between the humans, Autobots, and Decepticons once again to save the earth from a new big evil threat….. blah blah you know the routine. The plot is weak and poorly executed, humour falls flat on every occasion, and none of the characters are even slightly interesting. If it wasn’t for the special effects this movie would have nothing going for it because even the action at this point in the franchise feels tired.

The plot of this film is remarkable, it is remarkable because of how it can be so busy and packed with stuff but also so full of nothing at the same time. We have a story that rewrites the history of the Transformers on Earth, stretching back to the dark ages in order to introduce the presence and importance of a new mcguffin, no wait, TWO new mcguffins, that are barely explained that see multiple characters and organisations clashing heads in order to obtain them. It tries so hard, so damn hard to give some sort of higher meaning behind what this movie is really about, an external force trying to destroy the earth…… simple as that. It goes through so many farfetched and boring loop holes of exposition to make certain characters all of a sudden crucially important to the story to the point where i don’t even know the significance of ‘The Last Knight’ in the plot.

This exploration of the past could have been interesting, the presence of the Transformers alongside King Arthur and the knights of the round table, and during Nazi Germany in WWII made for two of the more narratively interesting sequences of the film. But this accounts for maybe 5% of the movie’s total runtime. Anthony Hopkins in this this abomination as Mr Exposition… sorry i meant to say Sir Edmund Burton, his character’s sole purpose within this entire film is to talk and explain, talk and explain. He provides exposition after exposition that will put you to sleep with absolute fucking ease. This was a complete waste of talent where i believe Bay hired him so that he can shove him in the trailer and give people the impression that this will be a serious film.

As for the rest of the human cast, who gives a flying shit about their characters? I don’t think it’s their fault, i mean, none of the humans are given an arc worth caring about. Mark Wahlberg is just Mark Wahlberg doing the same crap, being the hero running through explosions and dodging bullets like a fucking ninja. Laura Haddock is the essential ‘hot chick’ this time around because what is a Transformers movie without a love interest whose purpose is to just be a bit of eye candy for two hours. They actually try to tie the character into the plot this time giving an excuse for why she is there but it’s so lazily explained i just chose to ignore it. And i don’t know if Bay thought bringing Josh Duhamel and John Turturro back into the series would get people to care more because it definitely did nothing for my enjoyment of the movie. Isabella Moner plays the young Izabella in the film and i have to admit, she wasn’t bad. The character was just as boring as the rest of them but i feel like she put in effort to try bring more to the film but made no real difference.

There is no doubting the fact that once again the special effects are brilliant, seeing the transformers interacting with the real objects within the world and fighting in large scale battles is still very impressive so i can’t fault the film there. There are some brief action sequences that visually look quite cool but they fail to bring any excitement to the film because we are 5 films in and we have seen more or less everything this franchise has to offer. So although the action is there it’s just more visual noise, and unfortunately visual noise just isn’t going to cut it, even in a Transformers movie. The film is humourless and despite being the 2nd shortest in the franchise (behind the first film) it is still way too fucking long and drawn out. As a result the pacing is all over the place as action sequences and downtime are poorly balanced leaving long stretches of boring mess. The longest stretch of boring mess lasted a total of 2 hours and 29 minutes.

So in the end, this franchise is so far down the shitter that there is no clear avenue for redemption, especially while the franchise stays under the watchful eye of Michel Bay. And yes, i know this is the final film in the franchise that Michael Bay is directing but he will be producing the future films and still having his input on their creation. Even if he wasn’t directly involved he has still carved a formula for these films that is financially beneficial for Paramount so they have barely a reason to shake things up. You already know if you will enjoy this movie or not so you don’t need me to tell you it’s shit. Until next time Transformers, stay shitty.

1.6/10